Blogmas 2017 Christmas Tag

Many, many thanks to Lavender and Levity for tagging me on the Christmas tag this year. My apologies for not being able to get to it on time, but hey, better late than never, right?

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

  • There’s too many, but I am particularly fond of the humor in A Christmas Story, and the sentiment behind A Wonderful Life. Charlie Brown Christmas gets a special mention because I often feel like CB on days when you’re expected to be merry.

Charlie_Brown_Christmas

Do you like to stay in Pajamas or Dress Up for Christmas day?

  • I’m practically always in pajamas unless I have to go out. Then I wear something suitable for wherever I am going. Christmas day is no different.

If you could only buy one person a present this year who would it be and why?

  • I would buy our family the gift of health. The witches better get brewing!

This is perhaps also a good time to explain why my blog has been so neglected past few weeks. My husband ruptured a tendon in his knee a couple of weeks ago, and is now looking forward to at least another month of immobilization in bed. Since he is unable to do anything that requires any mobility (which is just about everything when you come to think of it), I have been taking care of him, our home, as well as the new job. This is quite a role reversal for us – our personal “upside down.” Needless to say, this has not left me feeling the best, but more on this episode later. The point of the story here was to illustrate how we could both use a bit of Link’s magic health potion right about now!

Link_potion

Do you open your present Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

  • Christmas morning.

Have you ever built a ginger bread house?

  • No, but I’ve built a Halloween cookie house! From a kit. Still counts?

What are you most looking forward to this Christmas season?

  • Hmm, I was looking forward to a holiday with friends in New Jersey, but we had to cancel that following my husband’s accident. Now I am most looking forward to him getting better!

Any Christmas wishes?

  • I wish people could take a quiet moment and look inward this Christmas. Self-reflection and finding peace within oneself is so important. I am with the Dalai Lama in that there can be no lasting peace on Earth until people find peace within themselves.

Favorite Christmas smell?

  • Cinnamon and chocolate, or dark chocolate and peppermint. (That they are also popular coffee flavors has never escaped me.)

hot-chocolate

Favorite Christmas meal or treat?

  • Ferrero Rocher

How do you traditionally spend your Christmas day?

  • Very little is done “traditionally” over Christmas in recent years because I am never in the same place. I often visit my parents in India during the winter. If I’m there, we repeat a childhood tradition of visiting the nuns at my old grade school (it’s a Catholic school attached to a convent), and bring them presents. There’s a Christmas party we attend at a country club, and receive Christian friends who share delicious fruit cakes with us. If I’m with my husband, we are sometimes traveling on Christmas day, or visiting his parents, sharing some food and exchanging presents. Oh, and simply relaxing watching Christmas movies! Rudolph, Frosty, Christmas Story, Scrooge(s), Polar Express…

Do you open stockings first or presents?

  • As a child, I used to open stockings first because they were closest to the bed. Now I don’t put any stockings up so there’s no competition.

When do you put up your tree?

  • As soon after Thanksgiving as possible!
Created with Microsoft Fresh Paint
Festivities (digital)

Least favorite part of Christmas?

  • Probably how much a day like that comes loaded with behavioral expectations. That scares me because I’m not sure if my mask is bleeding and my anxiety is showing through.

Any unusual traditions during your Christmas?

  • My husband and I enjoy driving around some of the neighborhoods that do pretty lights and decorations over Christmas and looking at peoples’ houses and yards. We do this for Halloween too, and most often they are the same neighborhoods.

Favorite childhood Christmas memory?

  • When I was seven or eight, we were traveling one Christmas Eve by bus, and I was understanding of the fact that there was no way I could get presents that night. Nonetheless, my mother made me hang a stocking which I thought would be pointless. I didn’t really ever believe in Santa, and I knew my parents didn’t have time to buy gifts. But lo and behold! On Christmas morning, I found some ornaments in that stocking!! I was flabbergasted!! I couldn’t get it out of mom how she did it! She kept insisting it was Santa! I figured it out eventually, but for a while that day, I remember wondering if perhaps there truly was Santa!

Would you like to participate?

I am afraid it is a little too late to tag anyone, since this is supposed to be something done by Christmas 2017. But if you see this post, and you think it’s fun, please consider yourself tagged! All you have to do is answer the same questions as I did above. Please leave a link back to my post, so I know about it because I would love to read your responses. And tag your post with #ChristmasCheer on Twitter so we can find each other!

From the questions above, nothing seems Christmas-specific. It could be used for any holiday. So if you like, pick your favorite holiday or the one that means the most to you, and answer the same questions about that day!

Created with Microsoft Fresh Paint
Ladies of the Light (digital)

I sincerely wish that the end of the year brings all my friends much happiness and loads of spoons!

Love,

Fibronacci

 

A Window Into Happiness

I read a beautiful article a few days ago on Crafts, Chronic Illness and Adulting about how happiness is a state of being, and it is our choice to make every day (as much as we can) to seek that happiness within ourselves. I have ruminated much about that elusive state of happiness before, and couldn’t agree more with that attitude.

I feel like happiness is a flame that is burning within us. Sometimes the flame dwindles, gets buried, becomes hard to reach, as daily frustrations take over our minds. It can be especially hard to deal with the everyday when one is also fighting a chronic illness. But in a moment of quiet, it is possible to find that little candle of happiness still burning, underneath all of the tears of anger, sorrow and frustration.

Depression, on the other hand, is the absence of that flame. You can push yourself, just like you push anyway with the pain and fatigue, to do your everyday tasks. You can cover it up with laughs, alcohol, drugs, music, company, whatever you think might make you happy. But really, all of it is to cover up the knowledge that that flame is gone.

I became acutely aware of that as I had to come off some nerve pain medication rather suddenly. The burning in my arms, trigger points, and spinal cord became more insistent, along with my other FM-related woes – but that was expected. What was a little unexpected (and perhaps stupidly so) was the effect it had on my mental health. I felt a return of my depression and anxiety like I haven’t felt in a decade.

Then funnily enough, I saw the light (again) on one of my absolute worst days. My muscle spasms were so bad in my upper back that I was largely immobilized from neck up, and I could only move my right arm with intense stabs of pain with each movement. Yet, I had promised to bring my friend’s daughter to the circus, and I did not want to cancel on an 8-year-old. So I doused myself in every pain relief method at my disposal, and I went.

Despite all my pain, the joy that emanated from the child at her first circus took precedence over all my misery. I feel like she not only stopped me that day from delving deeper into the hole that I was in, but she actually pulled me a little bit out of it!

That night was one of the worst nights I ever spent. I was practically paralyzed from the pain, and the only reason I did not go to the emergency room is because it would have caused me more pain to get there than just languish in bed.

Silver Lining_framed
The Silver Linings (5X7, oil on canvas)

And yet, that night I was able to find a little bit of the happiness spark, like the flickers of light from a flint, as if a caveman was trying to start a fire. It was like the first dim light that touches the earth after the darkest part of the night. As if from the ashes, a phoenix was trying to emerge!

That flame then grew stronger a day or so later.

I had spent another night in intense pain, so much so, that my husband said I moaned aloud in my sleep anytime he turned, or even touched the bed. He fed me a pain pill, and then spent the rest of the night on the couch to minimize my discomfort. I did not learn of this until the morning, and was filled with so much gratitude when I did.

As I learned that day, gratitude is a like a breath of air on a little spark, a little blow of oxygen that can stoke the happiness flame, and help it realize its potential as a bright source of light.

Although you don’t need much to be happy, on the darkest of days, it helps to remind yourself of all that you do have to be happy about.

I have much to be happy about. I have a husband who is made of the stuff of dreams, I finally have access to my nerve pain medicine again, my pain is slowly getting better (progressively fewer screams have been heard by my neighbors over the last couple of days), and I have a very understanding doctor. Not to mention the friend who trusts me with her children, on whom I can shower my adoration as if they were my grandchildren, and with whom I can connect and find tender joy.

Yes, I also have many challenges that I am going through right now, but I have a lot more to be grateful for. To be happy for.

So today, now that I have the choice, I will try to focus on the silver linings when I look at the clouds from my window. And by doing so, I hope that window opens into another dimension, one where the flame of happiness continually glows bright within me.

Love,

Fibronacci

 

Each painting has a story, one that I strive to tell here. Since many of them have to do with my journey with fibromyalgia, 20% of all yearly sales income from my paintings will go to the American Fibromyalgia Syndrome Association (AFSA), who fund research into this poorly understood condition. If the paintings and/or the cause touch your heart, as they do mine, please feel free to contact me through my Facebook page for more information. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey!

What is “Acceptance”?

“Fibromyalgia is kind of like my logical nature, there’s no point wishing I was different regarding either!” So went my thoughts one day, that landed me in a long reverie about what it meant to me that I had absorbed my diagnosis like so. I had written before about what acceptance meant to me on a practical level. But now I wondered, what does acceptance, as a philosophy, mean to those of us with a chronic illness?

Featured painting: Guided by the Lights (8X10, oil on canvas)

I think of acceptance as lying on a continuum between denial and resignation:

acceptance_0

Denial:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness does not tell me who I am or what I can do!
Keynote: Defiance

On one end, there is extreme denial that a chronic illness even exists. Often, this results in massive overexertion, leading to increased pain and fatigue. So one rests, feels better, and starts pushing their body’s limits almost too soon after, landing themselves back in a state of flare. The huge hills-and-valleys in the state of their health takes a toll on the mind. Frustration gives way to a strong sense of grief and loss, even depression. Nothing they do feels like it’s enough. They feel inadequate in their new state, like a shadow of their former self. So they do everything possible to act as if nothing happened, and carry on with their old lives, in order to feel like less of a failure. And the vicious cycle continues, amidst a general state of mental and physical anguish.

Resignation:

In a nutshell: My chronic illness is who I am.
Keynote: Capitulation

On the other end is what I call resignation. This is where one has lost their mojo, they see no point in fighting the illness at all (perhaps after a long fight with it already), frequently in a state of depression. The combination leads to being involved in too little activity, which can slowly result in deconditioning of muscles and joints, making it even harder to move and participate in meaningful activities. One begins to wonder what is the point of even trying, if that only makes the pain and fatigue worse. They often lose any social circle they may have once had, thus feeling more and more isolated. Loss of job- or hobby-related activities can make it feel like their lives lack any meaning, leaving only a shell of their former selves. All hope for any light at the end of the tunnel — or even an end at all! — has withered to ashes. The resulting mental toll pushes them to retreat even further into their shell, thus compounding the vicious cycle.

Acceptance:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness may dictate what I can do, but not what I can be.
Keynote: Determination

Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, I imagine, is acceptance. This is where one recognizes that there is a new kid on the block, namely a chronic illness, that wants to “play” too. The kid can throw a lot of temper-tantrums and really bring them down, but they are stuck with each other. So they may throw a few blows at each other, but ultimately, they know they have to get along — somehow! This is where one makes peace with their body and listens to it carefully, yet they don’t stop fighting the illness invading that body either! Acceptance does not mean that one is necessarily OK with their limitations, but realize that it is to their advantage to acknowledge what they are. And yet, they don’t allow the limitations to define them either! They continue to engage in the activities that lend meaning to their lives, but on different terms than before — on terms their body can reasonably manage. Like a good coach, one pushes the body, without pushing it over the edge!

I don’t mean to imply that these three states are quite as far away from each other as the neat little line diagram might make it seem. It really probably is much more like this:

acceptance_1

I imagine acceptance is a point of “happy-medium” that is in a state of dynamic equilibrium. There is a healthy dollop of both rebellion and submission, but they are balanced in just the right proportions so that it evens out. A bit like destructive interference between oppositely-oriented feelings, which each make waves, but together it’s a recipe for being able to find inner peace.

Dealing with a chronic illness is complicated, and there are many shades of grey. One does not move in a clear path when seeking their state of acceptance. It is a convoluted mess of feelings, with a lot of going back and forth, until one finds their own “happy-medium,” where they are most at peace with themselves. And this “happy-medium” may not always be the same either. It could change with age, experience, addition of new symptoms, alleviation of old ones, gains in perspective, changes in support structure, and a host of other factors! And even after finding, readjusting and fine-tuning this point of “happy-medium,” one may not always be at peace! But for many of us with chronic illnesses, it may simply be enough to be able to feel the calm most of the time!

That, at the moment, is my idea of acceptance.

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:
Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance
Part II: What is “Acceptance”?
Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness
Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance
Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:
On Acceptance and Healing
What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance

Is the glass half full or half empty? In one’s mind, it may be either, depending on whether they bend towards a more optimistic or pessimistic view of the world. But in reality, it is both. Admitting this realist perspective offers an opportunity to cultivate acceptance, which can then lead to happiness!

69_The In-Joke

There was a perfect storm of unpleasant events about a week ago. Allergy season brought on a sneeze-fest, which triggered intense spasms in my back, that then wound up my muscles up in a knot most sailors would be envious of. The back tension spread to the neck and head, eventually bringing on a bout of recurrent migraines, complete with the ice pick stabs, aura, and symptoms of trigeminal neuralgia. After waking up in the middle of one of the worst attacks of the series, I painted a dream image titled “No End in Sight.”

I will not lie, I intended it to be every bit as depressing as the title sounds. At the time, the pain felt relentless. By this time, I had been in a flare more days these past few months than I have been “normal.” I tried to encapsulate complicated feelings of hope and hopelessness, pain and exhaustion, the desire to keep trudging and the desire to just stop, all at once, in the painting below.

Abstract_11_No End in Sight
No End in Sight (a journey through time)

And yet, a friend, one far better versed in chronic pain than myself, planted an idea in my head that helped me see this image differently. She pointed out how his burden gets lighter with time!

That sprouted a thought in my mind: perhaps he is not giving up after all! Perhaps his perspective has just shifted, and he is simply accepting that he is stuck in the desert for the moment, that there is no use fighting it, so he might as well accept his current situation. As he tries to find peace within himself (note the hermit look by the end), even under the less-than-stellar circumstances, his “burden” is made lighter.

Though this might seem like a silly optimist’s game of what-do-you-see-in-the-picture, ultimately, perspective is all that matters. I felt it acutely on the 4th day of my recurrent migraines, when I felt momentarily delighted to wake up with my regular all-over fibro pains! This meant that my headache intensity had now lowered enough for me to feel pain elsewhere on the body! Of course, that delight was short-lived once the spasms started reasserting themselves, and another migraine attack followed shortly thereafter. But in that bizarre moment when I was happy about fibro pain, I learned an important lesson in how much our perspective on a situation determines our response to it, much more so than the situation itself.

I do not believe that one needs to be an optimist to find happiness in tough situations; one only needs to be a realist. If you are wondering if the glass is half empty or half full, I would argue that it is both! No situation is all good or all bad (despite chronic illnesses tending towards the latter). As an example, I recognized that because of the rest that my unwelcome migraine forced on me, I am in less pain overall (for most of the day) than I have been in months! Being able to see both the good and the bad of fibromyalgia and its associated maladies have helped me accept things for what they are. And with acceptance comes some measure of inner peace, which then translates to happiness.

I have written in the past about what acceptance means to me on a practical level, but not much about what acceptance, as a concept, might mean (or what it might not!). And though I have implied the role of “acceptance” in finding happiness with a chronic illness, it doesn’t much help those still in search of either. So I have decided to do a series of posts after this one, talking a little about what acceptance means from my perspective; how it can lead to happiness (or at least, less frustration); and finally, some of the ways by which I think I was able to achieve that state of mental stability. I hope that my insights can reach somebody still in search of these ideas, and that they may spark thoughts in their minds that lead to their own personal definition of acceptance and happiness!

Love,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:
Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance
Part II: What is “Acceptance”?
Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness
Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance 
Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:
On Acceptance and Healing
What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Earth

There is so much beauty in all the seasons we experience living on our planet. Yet, all too frequently, I find myself complaining about the heat, or the cold, or the rain because of how I flare every time the weather changes. The frustration that the unpredictability of my condition brings results in a narrowing of my consciousness. That, in turn, renders me unable to enjoy the beauty of nature, many a time, because I associated that with pain and/or fatigue.

But even when I am fatigued, the roses still bloom in the summer, and define beauty with their colors! Despite the increased stiffness in the winter, sunshine on the snow still spell magical delight. Spring and fall, with their allergies and migraines, nonetheless bring gorgeous colors befitting a fairy tale to our earthly lands.

Seasons_5
The Spirit of the Seasons (collage)

So I often feel selfish for judging the seasonal variations for its impact on me, instead of recognizing it as a beautiful, joyous element in its own right. Instead, I yearn to be free of all “associations” when I observe nature, so I can enjoy true beauty for beauty’s sake!

It is my hope that, one day, my art can help me transcend the trappings of my aching body, and expand my consciousness, such that I can really feel one with the Earth and all that is bigger than ourselves.

The collage of my paintings (Spirit of the Seasons) is an attempt to inch closer to that state of being. I hoped to use colors and textures to really feel each season, to absorb its allure, instead of it being solely a visual depiction of items we associate with a certain time of the year.

It is my way of paying homage to nature – the ultimate artist that paints “Mother Earth”!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

The Joy of Painting

I haven’t talked much about painting or the painting process in this blog, but it has been one of the most important ways I have been able to handle my fibromyalgia diagnosis. There is so much more to painting than what meets the eye. It is not just mixing paints and adding color. As I discovered one day – much to my own surprise – painting is a state of being!

Painting allows me to depict my world and my experiences the way I see it. It gives me the freedom to explore my frame of mind. It is a safe space where I can unleash my pain, sorrow, frustration, anger, confusion, joy and creativity. In the security of the studio, surrounded by the paints and brushes, I have the power to create a physical embodiment of my emotions. Then in choosing to share that piece of my inner world, I allow others to feel a portion of my feelings. It gives me freedom and power to accept, to portray, to share, and with only as much depth and complexity as I would like.

93_Spring Snow
Spring Snow (8X10, oil on canvas)

What does the painting of the dense woods on a snowy day make you think/feel?

With an illness like fibromyalgia, which has often left me feeling alone and misunderstood, painting has opened up a safe avenue for a dialogue with the world. An emotional painting forces engagement with the viewer. A desperately private person, I feel uneasy opening up my own mind, heart and soul. So my paintings have been a window into my world! I prefer this mode of conversation, in many ways, because I do not have to explain my situation to anyone. An emotional painting does not necessarily force the audience into the artist’s mind. It makes them look into their own, through the prism of their own experiences, and find within them the emotions that the painting embodies or evokes.

I have found security in being able to paint, both as a way of exploration as well as expression. And in a surprising way, that has really helped me deal with the many aspects of my chronic condition.

Love,

Fibronacci

Tough Realizations (Part II)

After a recent particularly bad flare, I had to make a difficult decision to walk away from a field in which I realized I was not welcome at anymore. If I stayed, I would constantly be forced to push myself beyond what I was physically capable of, and would still not be able to meet expectations. So you would think the separation would be mutual and amicable; yet it is not.

In many ways, I feel like I am still very tied to my work identity (although it’s been a work in progress detangling myself from it). Being a “scientist” is one of the major ways I identify myself. Every other descriptor I could think of – artist, woman, chronic illness fighter, etc. – are all farther down the list. When I think of descriptors of myself, “relationship phrases” don’t show up very high either. Many people identify themselves strongly as a parent (father/mother) or child (son/daughter) or spouse (husband/wife), or in other such relationship terms. I have trouble with that. I have always been a painfully independent person, almost to the point of being a loner. And I suspect it is the associated loss of both personal and financial independence, that comes with being ill and out of work, that is at the core of why it has been so hard for me to face the fact that I just need to take a break to focus on my health for a while.

057
I am tired of pretending I am stronger than I am . . . so why can I not STOP?

The loss of personal freedom has been something I have been constantly struggling with since developing fibromyalgia. While I can be great at offering and providing help, I absolutely suck at seeking and accepting it! It took me a while to even recognize that I had my partner in my court, and that its OK to lean on him and allow him to help me. It made a world of difference once I let myself be helped with my day to day tasks! And for once, I felt comfortable enough being helped that I never realized how hard it would be physically to live without that help!

Living in a small town, my chances of getting a job here were pretty minuscule, especially in science. For many years, I kind of saw this as a boon because I hated being trapped in one place for too long, and this place seemed to come with its own time limit. But now that it was time for me to move on and take a job in a different part of the country, I had to seriously consider how I would manage a demanding full-time job with other issues like uncertain transportation (potentially a lot of walking), cleaning, cooking, laundry, bathing/hair washing, and a myriad other day to day things that I often need help with. All of the little things that didn’t even merit a thought in my brain at one time are now all serious issues that have the potential to wipe me out and flatten me on my back for days.

heart-mind
Accepting help is its own kind of strength

I realized that for the first time, I actually need my husband to be with me, physically, and help me out! Not to mention, I would also need him financially, if I were jobless, and not just to provide general subsistence (a shared need), but also for my healthcare needs (a very personal one). And I have never needed anyone in that way before. As a person who prizes her independence, that realization – that I might really need someone now – was one of the toughest I have ever had to come face to face with.

My husband knows how hard that is for me. In fact, he has always known it. That is why he has never made big deal of helping me – he just did it quietly and unassumingly – and made a point of doing so without treating me like an invalid. I feel like very few people are lucky to have that kind of love in their lives. And that is why – perhaps what has been even tougher for me to face – is that even that kind of selfless love does not make up for the sense of loss that I feel due to my illness.

This realization has been really hard for me because it is almost like admitting his love is not enough, despite everything he does for me all the time. And it makes me feel guilty, because he has been the only constant force through many of the things that I have been battling for many years. Yet it is not as if I am not grateful to him and for him. But it is the gratitude that one might feel for nurses when interned at a hospital. It’s great to have that tender loving care, but they would much rather never be in the hospital in the first place!

PeekingThrough_signed_framed
It is through the snow that spring bursts through!

Though, in some ways I wish I never had to face these harsh realizations, in other ways I am grateful for them. It has given me a chance to really think about why my work identity matters so much to me. Why am I so loathed to accept help? Why do I feel this insane need for independence? It has given me an opportunity to delve deeper into myself and work on long-standing issues that I may never have otherwise. So as a person who craves new and varied experiences, as unpleasant as this one is, I still see it as an adventure! I am still expecting good things to come out of this time of uncertain and difficult realizations. I may be a ship in a bottle for now, but that doesn’t stop me from still looking out towards the sea.

Love,

Fibronacci

What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

If I had to define what it meant for me to be happy, I would call it a state of mind born of blissful contentment and a feeling that all is right with my little world. But as a chronically ill person, haunted at times by the ghost of depression, whose life feels turned upside-down, what does happiness mean for me now?

I always had the feeling that, even now, happiness still held the same meaning for me. The rules of the game never changed, only its appearance has changed; like instead of the familiar black and white chess board, we are now playing the same game with a blue and yellow color scheme! But “a sense of blissful contentment and a feeling that all is right,” when I am not “content” being a fibromyalgiac and everything is clearly not alright, how is that possible? How can it still be the same game?

These are questions I have been meditating over for a while now. But the epiphany came to me one day as I was showering after my pool exercise session. No, I did not run out naked yelling “eureka!!!” but it is funny how these things happen, isn’t it?

Eureka!
Yes, well, except I wasn’t in a bath . . . and I didn’t have a long-sleeved shirt on either. (Who does that when bathing anyway??)

It has been a busy month or so for me. There were more social engagements last month than I had attended in a year. At the same time, the pressures at work have been mounting as well. The result was occasional increases in pain, fatigue, and self-doubt regarding how I was handling my situation . . . was I over-committing myself? Why did I accept the invitation? Why do I feel the need to push through when I should clearly stop?

Yet underneath all of that, I detected something else – I detected happiness.

And then I realized that it really came down to a simple equation! If you feel like your life is delivering more than you expected it to, you feel satisfied and content and happy. Conversely, if reality starts falling short of your expectations, the result is resentment and unhappiness.

Featured image: Light from a Blue Door (16X20, oil on canvas)

At this point in time, I had spent several months being utterly miserable, not being able to really do much of anything. So now, being able to be there at a friend’s wedding, or at their birthday dinners, or just a couple of evenings out goofing, being able to attend the Bob Dylan concert with my husband, all of this meant a lot to me. I had expected the extra activity to cause increased pain and fatigue. I knew beforehand that I will have to pay for it over the next few days. But all of those little moments shared with my husband and my closest friends brought me happiness! And the ugly reality of my fibromyalgia symptoms could not put out that glowing ember because it was nothing I didn’t know was coming! In fact, I was nowhere near as bad as what I had mentally prepared myself to be. So you see, my reality far outweighed my expectations, despite the aggravated symptoms. And there I was – chronically ill, and happy!

In many ways, I have been happier since developing fibromyalgia than I was before. The chronic illness forced me to slow down and appreciate what I have in the moment, instead of blazing through to next finish line. It gave me time to realize how much I cherished having a flexible job with a reasonably understanding boss, how much my relationship with my husband meant to me, how much I enjoyed pursuing my hobbies (something I had all but given up to the harsh mistress that science can be!). It taught me to live moment to moment and take life as it comes. This is in stark contrast to my old self (whom I haven’t completely disowned yet), who was in constant competition with herself! I was never “blissfully content” with anything because I wanted to be more than I was before. Nothing could possibly “feel all right with my world” if I am constantly dissatisfied with it! The chronic illness forced me to drop my expectations far below what I could have ever imagined for myself. And then suddenly, I found my reality fared much better than those new lowered expectations!

In the end, thanks in part to my chronic illness, I realized I didn’t have to do or be anything to be happy. I simply am!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci