Unique Blogger Award

I am so grateful to have been nominated for the Unique Blogger award by Mackenzie over at Life with an Illness. She has an awesome blog where she writes about her experiences with chronic illnesses. Check it out for some positive vibes and helpful tips!

Here are the “rules”:

  • Share the link of the blogger who has shown love to you by nominating you.
  • Answer their 3 questions.
  • In the spirit of sharing love and solidarity with our blogging family, nominate however many people for the same award.
  • Ask them 3 questions.

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Like I said earlier for the Real Neat Blog award, I love these awards for their ability to connect us bloggers and help us get to know each other better. So here are my responses to Mackenzie’s questions!

  1. What makes you happy? (Is it a person, a hobby, or food?)

It would definitely have to be a person that truly makes me happy. At the risk of sounding super cheesy and a hopeless romantic, that person is my husband. However, my hobbies (reading, writing, painting) come in a close second.

  1. What is one goal you want to accomplish?

I have actually been giving this topic a lot of thought lately. It seems too simple to say that I am looking for a fulfilling career for myself in the long run (though I am). But the truth, as usual, is a little more complicated. I’d say the one goal I’d like to accomplish would be to find my authentic self and live an authentic life. I don’t know if a goal like that can ever be truly accomplished though. Perhaps “accomplishment” in such matters is just keeping up the continuous pursuit of the goal. If so, I’d like continue the search all the life.

  1. If you could talk to your teenage self what kind of advice would you give yourself?

I lived kind of a double life as a teenager. My inner world was quiet, that of a poet; it could be interesting and colorful but oftentimes it was dark and hopeless. I struggled with clinical depression and anxiety disorder as a teenager, suicidal at certain points. To that person, I would like to say. “This too shall pass. Just stay alive; it will be worth it.”

The way I hid my dark inner world was by being angry and rebellious on the outside. I never fit any societal mold, and I was (and still am) proud of that. To that person, I say: “Be bold, live wild! Have faith that your crazy maverick attitude behind the quiet, mature mind will treat you well in the future.” Too often as elders, we try to quench the sizzling fires of the young because it seems too much for us to deal with at the time. But those fires slowly wind down with age (or in my case, illness) anyway. I would like my teenage self to know that everything she did (good and bad) got me to where I am today, so keep that fire burning!

My nominees (blogs I would love for you to check out!):

  1. Chronicles of Being Ill
  2. Sickly Stardust
  3. Shot Down in Flames
  4. The Spoonie Nurse
  5. Dunelight
  6. Bella El Hasan Art & Illustration
  7. Lavender and Levity
  8. Hypermobility Syndrome India

For my nominees who choose to participate, my 3 questions are:

  • What makes you tick?
  • If a genie could fulfill only one wish for you, what would you wish for? (Fine print: No wishing for more wishes!)
  • What’s the first thing that popped up in your head when you awoke this morning?

 

thats all folks_1

Love,

Fibronacci

A Window Into Happiness

I read a beautiful article a few days ago on Crafts, Chronic Illness and Adulting about how happiness is a state of being, and it is our choice to make every day (as much as we can) to seek that happiness within ourselves. I have ruminated much about that elusive state of happiness before, and couldn’t agree more with that attitude.

I feel like happiness is a flame that is burning within us. Sometimes the flame dwindles, gets buried, becomes hard to reach, as daily frustrations take over our minds. It can be especially hard to deal with the everyday when one is also fighting a chronic illness. But in a moment of quiet, it is possible to find that little candle of happiness still burning, underneath all of the tears of anger, sorrow and frustration.

Depression, on the other hand, is the absence of that flame. You can push yourself, just like you push anyway with the pain and fatigue, to do your everyday tasks. You can cover it up with laughs, alcohol, drugs, music, company, whatever you think might make you happy. But really, all of it is to cover up the knowledge that that flame is gone.

I became acutely aware of that as I had to come off some nerve pain medication rather suddenly. The burning in my arms, trigger points, and spinal cord became more insistent, along with my other FM-related woes – but that was expected. What was a little unexpected (and perhaps stupidly so) was the effect it had on my mental health. I felt a return of my depression and anxiety like I haven’t felt in a decade.

Then funnily enough, I saw the light (again) on one of my absolute worst days. My muscle spasms were so bad in my upper back that I was largely immobilized from neck up, and I could only move my right arm with intense stabs of pain with each movement. Yet, I had promised to bring my friend’s daughter to the circus, and I did not want to cancel on an 8-year-old. So I doused myself in every pain relief method at my disposal, and I went.

Despite all my pain, the joy that emanated from the child at her first circus took precedence over all my misery. I feel like she not only stopped me that day from delving deeper into the hole that I was in, but she actually pulled me a little bit out of it!

That night was one of the worst nights I ever spent. I was practically paralyzed from the pain, and the only reason I did not go to the emergency room is because it would have caused me more pain to get there than just languish in bed.

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The Silver Linings (5X7, oil on canvas)

And yet, that night I was able to find a little bit of the happiness spark, like the flickers of light from a flint, as if a caveman was trying to start a fire. It was like the first dim light that touches the earth after the darkest part of the night. As if from the ashes, a phoenix was trying to emerge!

That flame then grew stronger a day or so later.

I had spent another night in intense pain, so much so, that my husband said I moaned aloud in my sleep anytime he turned, or even touched the bed. He fed me a pain pill, and then spent the rest of the night on the couch to minimize my discomfort. I did not learn of this until the morning, and was filled with so much gratitude when I did.

As I learned that day, gratitude is a like a breath of air on a little spark, a little blow of oxygen that can stoke the happiness flame, and help it realize its potential as a bright source of light.

Although you don’t need much to be happy, on the darkest of days, it helps to remind yourself of all that you do have to be happy about.

I have much to be happy about. I have a husband who is made of the stuff of dreams, I finally have access to my nerve pain medicine again, my pain is slowly getting better (progressively fewer screams have been heard by my neighbors over the last couple of days), and I have a very understanding doctor. Not to mention the friend who trusts me with her children, on whom I can shower my adoration as if they were my grandchildren, and with whom I can connect and find tender joy.

Yes, I also have many challenges that I am going through right now, but I have a lot more to be grateful for. To be happy for.

So today, now that I have the choice, I will try to focus on the silver linings when I look at the clouds from my window. And by doing so, I hope that window opens into another dimension, one where the flame of happiness continually glows bright within me.

Love,

Fibronacci

 

Each painting has a story, one that I strive to tell here. Since many of them have to do with my journey with fibromyalgia, 20% of all yearly sales income from my paintings will go to the American Fibromyalgia Syndrome Association (AFSA), who fund research into this poorly understood condition. If the paintings and/or the cause touch your heart, as they do mine, please feel free to contact me through my Facebook page for more information. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey!

What is “Acceptance”?

“Fibromyalgia is kind of like my logical nature, there’s no point wishing I was different regarding either!” So went my thoughts one day, that landed me in a long reverie about what it meant to me that I had absorbed my diagnosis like so. I had written before about what acceptance meant to me on a practical level. But now I wondered, what does acceptance, as a philosophy, mean to those of us with a chronic illness?

Featured painting: Guided by the Lights (8X10, oil on canvas)

I think of acceptance as lying on a continuum between denial and resignation:

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Denial:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness does not tell me who I am or what I can do!
Keynote: Defiance

On one end, there is extreme denial that a chronic illness even exists. Often, this results in massive overexertion, leading to increased pain and fatigue. So one rests, feels better, and starts pushing their body’s limits almost too soon after, landing themselves back in a state of flare. The huge hills-and-valleys in the state of their health takes a toll on the mind. Frustration gives way to a strong sense of grief and loss, even depression. Nothing they do feels like it’s enough. They feel inadequate in their new state, like a shadow of their former self. So they do everything possible to act as if nothing happened, and carry on with their old lives, in order to feel like less of a failure. And the vicious cycle continues, amidst a general state of mental and physical anguish.

Resignation:

In a nutshell: My chronic illness is who I am.
Keynote: Capitulation

On the other end is what I call resignation. This is where one has lost their mojo, they see no point in fighting the illness at all (perhaps after a long fight with it already), frequently in a state of depression. The combination leads to being involved in too little activity, which can slowly result in deconditioning of muscles and joints, making it even harder to move and participate in meaningful activities. One begins to wonder what is the point of even trying, if that only makes the pain and fatigue worse. They often lose any social circle they may have once had, thus feeling more and more isolated. Loss of job- or hobby-related activities can make it feel like their lives lack any meaning, leaving only a shell of their former selves. All hope for any light at the end of the tunnel — or even an end at all! — has withered to ashes. The resulting mental toll pushes them to retreat even further into their shell, thus compounding the vicious cycle.

Acceptance:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness may dictate what I can do, but not what I can be.
Keynote: Determination

Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, I imagine, is acceptance. This is where one recognizes that there is a new kid on the block, namely a chronic illness, that wants to “play” too. The kid can throw a lot of temper-tantrums and really bring them down, but they are stuck with each other. So they may throw a few blows at each other, but ultimately, they know they have to get along — somehow! This is where one makes peace with their body and listens to it carefully, yet they don’t stop fighting the illness invading that body either! Acceptance does not mean that one is necessarily OK with their limitations, but realize that it is to their advantage to acknowledge what they are. And yet, they don’t allow the limitations to define them either! They continue to engage in the activities that lend meaning to their lives, but on different terms than before — on terms their body can reasonably manage. Like a good coach, one pushes the body, without pushing it over the edge!

I don’t mean to imply that these three states are quite as far away from each other as the neat little line diagram might make it seem. It really probably is much more like this:

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I imagine acceptance is a point of “happy-medium” that is in a state of dynamic equilibrium. There is a healthy dollop of both rebellion and submission, but they are balanced in just the right proportions so that it evens out. A bit like destructive interference between oppositely-oriented feelings, which each make waves, but together it’s a recipe for being able to find inner peace.

Dealing with a chronic illness is complicated, and there are many shades of grey. One does not move in a clear path when seeking their state of acceptance. It is a convoluted mess of feelings, with a lot of going back and forth, until one finds their own “happy-medium,” where they are most at peace with themselves. And this “happy-medium” may not always be the same either. It could change with age, experience, addition of new symptoms, alleviation of old ones, gains in perspective, changes in support structure, and a host of other factors! And even after finding, readjusting and fine-tuning this point of “happy-medium,” one may not always be at peace! But for many of us with chronic illnesses, it may simply be enough to be able to feel the calm most of the time!

That, at the moment, is my idea of acceptance.

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:
Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance
Part II: What is “Acceptance”?
Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness
Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance
Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:
On Acceptance and Healing
What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitude

My husband and I both value our solitude immensely. Being amongst the hustle-and-bustle of the city for too long causes us considerable anxiety. This is more so true of my husband, who would be a monk or a hermit if he could! As for me, I am something of an “empath” and an “HSP – highly sensitive person“. Thoughts, emotions and auras of places and people can affect me deeply. There is also some discussion about at least some HSPs being more sensitive to pain. Hence, finding a way to balance our need for inner peace (which, in turn, can affect FM severity) with being able to practically function in the world is crucial for us. One of the ways we do that is by “turning off” once in a while, and getting away from people and their vibes.

So for the photo challenge this week, I thought I’d share pictures of one of the places around town where we often go for some peace and solitude.

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Ironically, these photos are actually taken around a lake that is very close to my husband’s place of work.

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It’s called the Capitol Lake, because it is right by the State Capitol – smack in the heart of the seat of the state government!

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And precisely for that reason, it is almost completely empty on the weekends. After all, who wants to hang around work and a bunch of government buildings on their days off?

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Of course, that clears the way for my husband and me to enjoy many a quiet day in these beautiful surroundings, and regain our sense of internal balance!

Love,

Fibronacci

Weekly Photo Challenge: Narrow

Where The Mind Is Without Fear

by Rabindranath Tagore

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.


As the cost of education keeps rising in my home institution and other places, as more and more people seem to be engulfed by fear and paranoia in the world, as reason and truth become buried in a world driven by emotional lies and materialism, and as a fibromyalgiac who feels she has lost her place in the world – this poem rings true to me on so many levels!

One day, I hope to awake in that heaven of freedom as well – freedom from the pain, the fatigue, the expectations of me as an academic, as a person battling chronic pain, freedom from the traps my own brain sets for me when I am in the throws of anxiety and depression – and I hope to awake into being a more balanced, wholesome person.

Love,

Fibronacci