A Window Into Happiness

I read a beautiful article a few days ago on Crafts, Chronic Illness and Adulting about how happiness is a state of being, and it is our choice to make every day (as much as we can) to seek that happiness within ourselves. I have ruminated much about that elusive state of happiness before, and couldn’t agree more with that attitude.

I feel like happiness is a flame that is burning within us. Sometimes the flame dwindles, gets buried, becomes hard to reach, as daily frustrations take over our minds. It can be especially hard to deal with the everyday when one is also fighting a chronic illness. But in a moment of quiet, it is possible to find that little candle of happiness still burning, underneath all of the tears of anger, sorrow and frustration.

Depression, on the other hand, is the absence of that flame. You can push yourself, just like you push anyway with the pain and fatigue, to do your everyday tasks. You can cover it up with laughs, alcohol, drugs, music, company, whatever you think might make you happy. But really, all of it is to cover up the knowledge that that flame is gone.

I became acutely aware of that as I had to come off some nerve pain medication rather suddenly. The burning in my arms, trigger points, and spinal cord became more insistent, along with my other FM-related woes – but that was expected. What was a little unexpected (and perhaps stupidly so) was the effect it had on my mental health. I felt a return of my depression and anxiety like I haven’t felt in a decade.

Then funnily enough, I saw the light (again) on one of my absolute worst days. My muscle spasms were so bad in my upper back that I was largely immobilized from neck up, and I could only move my right arm with intense stabs of pain with each movement. Yet, I had promised to bring my friend’s daughter to the circus, and I did not want to cancel on an 8-year-old. So I doused myself in every pain relief method at my disposal, and I went.

Despite all my pain, the joy that emanated from the child at her first circus took precedence over all my misery. I feel like she not only stopped me that day from delving deeper into the hole that I was in, but she actually pulled me a little bit out of it!

That night was one of the worst nights I ever spent. I was practically paralyzed from the pain, and the only reason I did not go to the emergency room is because it would have caused me more pain to get there than just languish in bed.

Silver Lining_framed
The Silver Linings (5X7, oil on canvas)

And yet, that night I was able to find a little bit of the happiness spark, like the flickers of light from a flint, as if a caveman was trying to start a fire. It was like the first dim light that touches the earth after the darkest part of the night. As if from the ashes, a phoenix was trying to emerge!

That flame then grew stronger a day or so later.

I had spent another night in intense pain, so much so, that my husband said I moaned aloud in my sleep anytime he turned, or even touched the bed. He fed me a pain pill, and then spent the rest of the night on the couch to minimize my discomfort. I did not learn of this until the morning, and was filled with so much gratitude when I did.

As I learned that day, gratitude is a like a breath of air on a little spark, a little blow of oxygen that can stoke the happiness flame, and help it realize its potential as a bright source of light.

Although you don’t need much to be happy, on the darkest of days, it helps to remind yourself of all that you do have to be happy about.

I have much to be happy about. I have a husband who is made of the stuff of dreams, I finally have access to my nerve pain medicine again, my pain is slowly getting better (progressively fewer screams have been heard by my neighbors over the last couple of days), and I have a very understanding doctor. Not to mention the friend who trusts me with her children, on whom I can shower my adoration as if they were my grandchildren, and with whom I can connect and find tender joy.

Yes, I also have many challenges that I am going through right now, but I have a lot more to be grateful for. To be happy for.

So today, now that I have the choice, I will try to focus on the silver linings when I look at the clouds from my window. And by doing so, I hope that window opens into another dimension, one where the flame of happiness continually glows bright within me.




Each painting has a story, one that I strive to tell here. Since many of them have to do with my journey with fibromyalgia, 20% of all yearly sales income from my paintings will go to the American Fibromyalgia Syndrome Association (AFSA), who fund research into this poorly understood condition. If the paintings and/or the cause touch your heart, as they do mine, please feel free to contact me through my Facebook page for more information. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey!

Working with a Chronic Illness: Flexibility vs. Structure and Routine

In my last post about how I did graduate school with fibromyalgia, I touched on a point about being careful with how flexible a “job” grad school can be, which has its plusses, but can also be a double-edged sword.

This was not the first time that I thought long and hard about what kind of a job would be better when leading a life with a chronic illness: one that is very flexible, or one that has a more structured routine.

There are lots of “pros” to a flexible job, like that of an academic professor or a lab director. You don’t have to be up too early, can rest in the middle of the day, and take time off for flares as needed. But there are “cons” too: you end up working odd hours, and the body often doesn’t know what to expect when. Not absolutely having to do something now, also means it is easier to put it off for later – and the ephemeral “later” may turn out to be a worse time than “now.” This has the potential to cause much stress, which can be a trigger for a fibro flare.

With a more structured job, days are better-planned, and there is a chance to settle into a reasonable routine, and perhaps reduce the frequency of flares with better pacing. But when flares do occur, it is harder to take time off. The other downside is that constant working during the day, and the pressure to stick to the routine, can get tough on the body, especially if you’re prone to fatigue.

On that note, I read two very poignant articles. The first is a great piece on the importance of routine, on a blog I always enjoy visiting, Invisibly Me. Our blogger is fairly convincing in how routines can be helpful when dealing with a chronic illness, and gives some great tips on how to boost your routine as well.

And the second is the story of a recent Ph.D. grad, on the blog ErrantScience: Clutter, who moved on to a “regular” (aka, normal 9-5) job and gave a deft comparison of the two. Her conclusion: the grass is always greener on the other side! Somehow, despite all arguments and my own better judgement, I think I will always agree with that!

As for me, during my Ph.D., I recognized that maintaining some amount of routine was critical for pacing. That routine involved allowing my body to “thaw” in the mornings (not rushing it before it was ready), working mainly during my best hours (10 AM to 7 PM), and using the evenings for rest (i.e., not bringing work home). I tried to keep a routine for painting and blogging as well, but that sort of fell by the wayside. Overall, I felt the routine helped me progress towards the Ph.D., while also not working myself too far beyond what my body could handle.

And now that I am done with graduate school, and have no set responsibilities, I feel like I am getting a whole lot of nothing done! I was planning on keeping up with my blog and painting better, studying for some technical licenses, finishing up my leftover papers from grad school – and of all that, I am only making very slow progress on that last one (and probably only because there’s a deadline looming for it). I suppose after working long and hard for so many years, I shouldn’t begrudge myself the rest and relaxation. It truly has been lovely to lay down in the afternoon (a time when I often experience an energy slump) and just read for pleasure! But I dislike the way I am being unproductive in all other ways. So clearly, some level of “work structure” is important so I don’t rest away the entire day.

However, I am also the kind of person who feels stifled by too much routine. I feel a bit like the fish in a bowl, bound by structure, doomed to swim round and round. I like a bit of spontaneity, freshness, and interest in my days – and too much routine is just not interesting to me. Not to mention, if I wake up feeling particularly crummy, I like to be able to go in to work late or take the day off, and have the freedom to make up that time in other ways. Losing that kind of autonomy might push me to work through escalating pain, instead of “calling in” and admitting I am sick (I could hear the voice at the other end goingAGAIN?!?!?!“). All in all, I just don’t see pattern working out so well.

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Going Round and Round
(11X14, oil on canvas)

And yet, I do like the feeling of getting work done in a timely manner (which requires some level of structure). Also, my body does usually fare better when it knows what to expect, rather than when it gets pushed in every which direction. Pacing, by its nature, requires a routine, and it has been proven to make life productive and less painful for many a chronic illness warrior.

I guess the bottom-line is that both flexibility and routine are important when dealing with a chronic, unpredictable condition like fibromyalgia. Ideally, I envision a job with a reasonable amount of autonomy, so there is the flexibility to call my hours. But with a job like that, there needs to be sufficient self-discipline to be able to set a routine for myself, so I can get all the work done, but on a pace I can handle and with allocated rest times that I don’t ignore.

I realize that it may be a tall order to find a job like that, where there is a mix of the best of both worlds. Until I get there though, that grass will always be greener on the other side!