A few days ago, I wrote a contemplative post, wondering how much I might be catastrophizing my own pain and giving it more attention than it needed. Ironically, I was in some intense pain when I wrote that after being advised repeatedly to use mind over body and ignore the pain.
Yesterday, I was in the same spot again, but ultimately broke down and took my pain medication. A few hours later, I noticed that it had taken the edge off the pain. It was now down to a level I could live with. And it was then that it hit me! I am already using all kinds of mind over body tactics to keep myself active and moving and involved with life. If it is only after taking the “emergency pain pill” and extra muscle relaxers that the pain is down to a manageable level – not gone, mind you – then how much worse must it have been before?
I would never treat anybody else in that kind of pain with as much insensitivity as I treated myself. So why did I treat myself like that? I would never disbelieve another person if they expressed that much pain. I would never ask them to just not pay attention to it or act like they are making it out to be worse than it truly is. So why did I disbelieve my own pain and wonder if I am catastrophizing?
I think part of the reason is that, as a scientist, I am loathed to take subjective data at face value. And pain levels are just that! Even so, I feel like I often view my own situation with objective lenses from time to time, so there is no real reason for me to invalidate subjective data coming from myself. There is no prior evidence of me acting like a baby or engaging in extended pity fests. If anything, I am always extra tough on myself. And now, my naturally harsh inner critic seems to have internalized things others say or views of chronic pain patients that the society holds, and is belittling me for admitting when the pain gets out of hand. And as an objective observer of myself, I can see that this is akin to re-victimizing the victim for an event they could not control.
As a person who has counseled child abuse and domestic violence victims, I couldn’t dream of saying anything that would make their pain feel invalidated. I have always encouraged them to admit their own anguish – if only to themselves – so they can work through it. And I must treat myself the same way.
In many ways, I feel the pain has robbed me of my youth, my dreams, my spontaneous adventurous nature. And that kind of pain and anguish is difficult to ignore. Both physically and emotionally. And I need to be OK with admitting that to myself. Not suppress it or call myself a whiney-baby for feeling it. I wouldn’t say that to a friend, if we had swapped places. So why should I say it to myself?
Ultimately, nobody can know my body as well as I do. So I need to take a stand for it when it needs me to. If I wouldn’t doubt the validity of a friend’s complaints who was in my place, I shouldn’t doubt my body’s either. I need to turn off the inner critic and take care of myself as I would a dear friend. I have never listened to “society” or “other people” when I have cared for or counseled my friends in difficult positions. And I shouldn’t allow society or people to influence how I treat myself either.
It has been a long journey for me, discovering self-compassion. I started it a long time ago when caring for my inner child overcoming various unpleasant repressed memories. I may have gone off-track for a while. But I am grateful for the turn of events that has brought me back!